Celebrity Cock and Bull Story

So if you can picture it, there I am waiting for my singles partner, the 'Man from Atlantis' himself, Patrick Duffy, to turn up for our match when who should be on the adjacent court but Duran Duran, well only four anyway. John Taylor was no badminton player so he stayed in that night watching telly. But it was just as well there were only four because they truly were a bunch of wild boys who were quite noisy and were putting off several players' games while they were waiting for their court.

The wild boys were playing on their way back from the fire.

I remember seeing Phil Oakey who was in the Human League miss many a 'clear' because they were putting him off his game. I approached Phil and asked him if he wanted me to have a word but he said that he didn't want to make a fuss and that they were only human, of flesh and blood they're made: so I left it at that.
It was getting periously close to match time when I received a call through reception that Patrick had missed his flight and wouldn't be able to play. I was gutted - I had warmed up and everything. There's nothing worse than seeing everyone else enjoying themselves playing some really good badminton and there I was sitting on the sidelines with my racquet and cock between my legs. I decided to watch the Durans thrashing about. They really were wild boys yet had a raw talent about them. Then all of a sudden Simon Le Bon went for a shot and he clattered his doubles partner, Nick Rhodes, in the back of the head. Oops that's trouble I thought as blood poured out. I rushed over and couldn't tell which was blood or hair dye. It was a particularly nasty cut and I promptly rushed Nick to the first aid room where I left him in the capable hands of Bertha. When I returned the boys had mopped the blood off the court and were ready to play again. They were so grateful that they asked me if I wanted to play. I jumped at the chance. We played three intense sets. Such was the intensity of the match that players on the other courts stopped their games and watched our match - they were mesmerised! Simon Le Bon was playing out of his skin. During a drink break he said he'd never played better and that I was getting the best out of him.That was a really nice thing to say I thought. Back on court we both were playing out of our skins. How Simon got to one shot I'll never know. I said 'how did you get that back' and he said "Ju, ju, just a reflex, a reflex!" We won. But what was particularly nice was the crowd of keen onlookers chanting 'Wild Boys, Wild Boys' and I was one of them, on our way back to the bar.
Nick was ok and didn't need stitches and Simon started to rib him about how he was going to drop him as a partner. Nick didn't like it one bit. I said it was ok because I was crap at writing songs so I could never take his place in the line-up. We all had a good laugh over it. Just as I was about to leave this goddess appeared by the door - it was Yasmin Le Bon. She was beauty and elegance personified until she shouted "Oi Simon where the f*ck ave you been. I've been sitting out in the car wiv the kids for over an hour waiting for you. One of ems puked up and the uvvers spilt milk and it stinks. Get ur arse out ere now you nancy boy." My image was shattered there and then.

An embarrased looking Simon scuttles off to the car with one annoyed Yasmin.

As Simon grabbed his kit bag from under the table and sped for the door I turned to the boys and said "Shall we say a prayer for him now or wait until the morning after." He'll need much more than that" said Nick, "Wait til she gets him home."

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Spandau Fail to take Prisoners!

........As I was saying, never a truer word was spoken in jest. It's was 7.30pm on a cold November evening and they'd messed up the court bookings - again. We were playing Spandau Ballet's Kemp brothers Martin and Gary. As we stood in the foyer gagging for some playing action my partner Keith Chegwin questioned the new booking system at the Sports centre. The stand-in deputy manager assured us that the cock-up was down to the new shift pattern introduced at the sports centre which had witnessed a complete overhaul of the working rostas. Established booking receptionists had had their rotas changed and didn't know whether they were coming or going. I said to Keith 'Communication lets us down and, I'm, or rather we, are left here.'
It certainly wasn't good enough and I told the deputy manager that in so many words. He pleaded that it wasn't his fault and told us that he was trying to work through the barricades of red tape.
We avoided the a heated discussion and accepted that we had to wait until 8.30pm to go on court. To be fair, the Kemp brothers were as good as gold. The later court time meant that they'd be unable ot squeeze their league match in as they were playing to a 10,000 sellout crowd at the Apollo and had to be on stage at around 9.30pm. "We'll catch with you another time" said Martin in broad eastend style. "Never mind" I said to Keith we'll just play singles and call it a friendly. He agreed. I didn't half give him a runaround that night.
In the bar after Keith confessed to me that he'd fallen in love with TV Presenter Maggie Philbin and she was stopping him from playing any more badminton for the forseeable future. Although I was initially disappointed I felt it no loss because he was such a crap player. I told him that perhaps he should take up table tennis.He said that he thought his racquet may be too big for table tennis. We both laughed. I never saw him again.

The Kemp Brothers of Spandau Ballet who were trying to squeeze their league match in before their sell-out concert at the Apollo were good as gold when they found that they couldn't play

Brought to you yet again by -
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So as I was saying every 3rd Tuesday with an ‘R’ in the month is Ventriloquist & Puppeteer Night. An array of established and non-established ventriloquists and puppeteers flock to the local sports centre. You have to remember that there are only 4 courts so the ladies in reception are working overtime trying to accommodate literally tens of dozens of vents and their puppets. On the off chance I happened to be looking for a game one night and hadn’t realised it was Vent and Puppet Night. As I wandered down the corridor I could hear what I thought was a heated argument – it was! There behind the lockers were Roger De Courcey and Nookie Bear having a full scale belter of a row. I didn’t want to intervene but I could see that it was getting quite heated and I was scared incase someone got hurt. I asked what the problem was. Apparently, due to a communication mix up, their doubles partners, Keith Harris and Orville, hadn’t turned up and they were blaming each other for the gaffe; worse still they were on in 10 minutes.

'Orville - Who is your very best friend? Certainly not Roger and Nookie!'

Due to touring, the pair hadn’t played for 3 months and desperately needed to keep their hand in. To make matters worse they were playing in the first round of the cup against tournament hot favourites, Rod Hull & Emu and Ray Allen & Lord Charles.
“Let him ge it” said Nookie. “What?” said Roger "Let him be it?"
“Help us out mister. You look like a gadminton player, will you ge our fartners” said Nookie hopefully! I was totally shocked by this proposal but was gagging for a game. But how was I gonna get around the puppet problem, and, I couldn’t do ventriloquism. Roger offered me some quick pointers but I felt it safer if I plumped for a mute puppet. Next problem.
Where was I gonna get a puppet in less than 9 minutes? “Socks” said Nookie. “Take off your white socks, put your hand in one and drape the other over the top to look like llchofy ears.” “Floppy ears” I said, “Fantastic!” “Grilliant!” said Nookie. So there I was marching on court, racquet in one hand, socks on other, with Nookie Bear and Roger and 'Mr Footloose the Blind Doppelgangersockman.'
(Well what else would you call your mute puppet at such short notice?)
Emu and Lord Charles had been warming up for at least 8 minutes and we had to go into the game cold. So, as you can imagine, we lost the first set in no time. By mid way through the 2nd set we were holding our own with Roger and Nookie keeping serve. But this was like a red rag to a bull for Emu and he started to play up. I daren’t stand too close to the net as that infernal creature kept snapping at my legs. I tried to snap back with Mr Footloose the Blind Doppelgangersockman but kept missing. Emu was a master of surprise and upset! His unpredictability reached new heights during that second set when Emu turned on Ray Allen and Lord Charles and grappled mercilessly with them. Rod Hull was powerless and Lord Charles kept shouting “Stop it, stop it we’re not Parkinson.” Then Emu turned his attentions to the net and became completely entangled. The game was awarded to us by default. Because of Emu they had been disqualified.

Lord Charles shouted "Stop it Stop it we're not Parkinson" But would Emu stop?

That Emu's not to be trusted you know

In the bar after we all sat together counting our blessings that we’d had a lucky escape from the Antipodean Anihilator. Roger drank orange because he was driving and he treated Nookie and me to a “gottle of geer” each. Lord Charles looked as pissed as ever and said the he was glad the game ended early so that he could get back to the bar. In the distance we could hear screeches and screams. Emu had obviously singled out another victim. “Another gottle of geer, Nookie?” I said. Roger laughed. He said I should take up venting as I was so good. I said that I’d never be able to emulate the true pros like himself, also, I couldn’t possibly as these were my only pair of socks and my feet would be cold. We all laughed and then made a quick exit as the loud screeches in the foyer meant that Emu was in the building!

Introducing -
Mr Footloose the Blind Doppelgangersockman
Well, what else would you have done?

Come back soon because I’ll be telling some juicy treats regarding, the maestro himself, Jeremy Beadle amongst others.

FURTHER TALES FROM COURT NUMBER 3

So anyway there I am doing some light stretching next to court 3 in my fashionable new Dunlop Green Flash daps while I wait for John Craven to arrive after his Newsround and who should be on court 4 but Giant Haystacks playing against Meatloaf. For such a big man that Giant Haystacks couldn’t half move around the court and he was giving Meatloaf a tuning. When they stopped for a drink I went over to Meatloaf and just mentioned that Giant Haystacks had some amazing deft touches and was finishing every shot off with aplomb. Meatloaf said "I've been running around like a bat outta hell and you took the words right outta my mouth" and I said "It mustuv been while he was beating you." Giant Haystacks didn’t like it one bit cos he thought I was trying to give Meatloaf some coaching tips so he picked me up swung me around and pretended to throw me. But as he was putting me down I slipped and fell on my left arm. I had to play against John right-handed. He beat me easily.

REMEMBER if a Giant like this drops you on your playing arm you say 'Thanks Sir!'

Even though Meatloaf made a comeback Haystacks beat him. As this was a knock out I tried to console Meatloaf by singing softly in his ear "2 outta 3 ain’t bad" meaning the score in sets to Haystacks.

Although Meat was in mean mood he was no match for Haystacks

John put his arm around Meat and gave him a hug. I thought that was nice and that his arm would never go all the way round. I think John beat me because of his long arms.I joked to John that he could star in his own programme where he interviews celebrities with his arm around them and call it
'John Craven's Armround.' John laughed and said he'd take the idea to the programme commissioner at the BBC.

In the bar after Giant Haystacks couldn’t have been more apologetic about dropping me on my playing arm.He felt so bad he offered me his two tickets to see ‘My Fair Lady’ in the Bristol Hippodrome. I didn’t accept cos I had booked to play Midge Ure on that particular that night. (Pinning Midge down to a definite date on court is always a nightmare.) I just thought I pity anyone who has to sit behind Haystacks in the theatre. John said he wouldn’t have been happy if he’d gone to the theatre that night too. bs

Footnote:

John Craven took the 'John Craven's Armround' idea to the BBC but it never got commissioned. Infact he blames me directly for losing his prime postion on Newsround as the BBC thought he'd gone totally tonto. I've never paired with him in doubles since. If John is reading this - 'Sorry mate it was just an idea.'
I nearly thought up Big brother you know!
n.b if you look at the above photo closely you can see that John has longer than average arms and that I wasn't making it up. He had to have special shirts made!

I did think up these tho -
www.teachingandallthat.blog.co.uk
www.perchingandallthat.blog.co.uk
The BBC wanted them but I said that I'd never let them have them after what they did to John. So there!

Why not come back again and discover what happened when I played the boys from Duran Duran!

BADMINTON SPECIALS FROM THE FAMOUS

Lisa Tarbuck - "she's pretty nifty around court"

So as I was saying I’m down at the local sports centre playing badminton with my friend Lisa; Lisa Tarbuck. Anyway we’re having a close match cos she’s pretty nifty around court and who should walk in looking for a game but Sting and his wife Trudie Styler. So we agree to play doubles, best of 3, sets to 11. So cutting to the chase it’s one – all and they’re trouncing us in the final set 10 – 1. So I have this plan. Lisa’s serving and Sting is close up to the net so I move in and start singing ‘I can’t I can’t I can’t stand losing. I can’t I can’t I can’t stand losing. I can’t I can’t I can’t stand losing to yoouu. I can’t stand losing to yooouuu. I can’t stand losing to yooouuu’
Guess what? Sting just went to pieces. Everything into the net. Lisa kept her serve and we won 12 – 10. Trudie was livid he'd lost them the match and he refused to shake hands with me. The pair of them just sat in the bar after not talking to anyone and staring into space. I said to Lisa "You know that Sting, he’s such a bad loser" She agreed. I also said "Do you think Sting ran out of steam because of all that tantric sex." Lisa didn't half look embarrassed.

"You know that Sting, he's such a bad loser". Lisa agreed.

But that’s nothing. Wait til you hear what happened when I played Adam Ant! I'll keep that for another time! bs