So as I was saying every 3rd Tuesday with an ‘R’ in the month is Ventriloquist & Puppeteer Night. An array of established and non-established ventriloquists and puppeteers flock to the local sports centre. You have to remember that there are only 4 courts so the ladies in reception are working overtime trying to accommodate literally tens of dozens of vents and their puppets. On the off chance I happened to be looking for a game one night and hadn’t realised it was Vent and Puppet Night. As I wandered down the corridor I could hear what I thought was a heated argument – it was! There behind the lockers were Roger De Courcey and Nookie Bear having a full scale belter of a row. I didn’t want to intervene but I could see that it was getting quite heated and I was scared incase someone got hurt. I asked what the problem was. Apparently, due to a communication mix up, their doubles partners, Keith Harris and Orville, hadn’t turned up and they were blaming each other for the gaffe; worse still they were on in 10 minutes.

'Orville - Who is your very best friend? Certainly not Roger and Nookie!'

Due to touring, the pair hadn’t played for 3 months and desperately needed to keep their hand in. To make matters worse they were playing in the first round of the cup against tournament hot favourites, Rod Hull & Emu and Ray Allen & Lord Charles.
“Let him ge it” said Nookie. “What?” said Roger "Let him be it?"
“Help us out mister. You look like a gadminton player, will you ge our fartners” said Nookie hopefully! I was totally shocked by this proposal but was gagging for a game. But how was I gonna get around the puppet problem, and, I couldn’t do ventriloquism. Roger offered me some quick pointers but I felt it safer if I plumped for a mute puppet. Next problem.
Where was I gonna get a puppet in less than 9 minutes? “Socks” said Nookie. “Take off your white socks, put your hand in one and drape the other over the top to look like llchofy ears.” “Floppy ears” I said, “Fantastic!” “Grilliant!” said Nookie. So there I was marching on court, racquet in one hand, socks on other, with Nookie Bear and Roger and 'Mr Footloose the Blind Doppelgangersockman.'
(Well what else would you call your mute puppet at such short notice?)
Emu and Lord Charles had been warming up for at least 8 minutes and we had to go into the game cold. So, as you can imagine, we lost the first set in no time. By mid way through the 2nd set we were holding our own with Roger and Nookie keeping serve. But this was like a red rag to a bull for Emu and he started to play up. I daren’t stand too close to the net as that infernal creature kept snapping at my legs. I tried to snap back with Mr Footloose the Blind Doppelgangersockman but kept missing. Emu was a master of surprise and upset! His unpredictability reached new heights during that second set when Emu turned on Ray Allen and Lord Charles and grappled mercilessly with them. Rod Hull was powerless and Lord Charles kept shouting “Stop it, stop it we’re not Parkinson.” Then Emu turned his attentions to the net and became completely entangled. The game was awarded to us by default. Because of Emu they had been disqualified.

Lord Charles shouted "Stop it Stop it we're not Parkinson" But would Emu stop?


That Emu's not to be trusted you know

In the bar after we all sat together counting our blessings that we’d had a lucky escape from the Antipodean Anihilator. Roger drank orange because he was driving and he treated Nookie and me to a “gottle of geer” each. Lord Charles looked as pissed as ever and said the he was glad the game ended early so that he could get back to the bar. In the distance we could hear screeches and screams. Emu had obviously singled out another victim. “Another gottle of geer, Nookie?” I said. Roger laughed. He said I should take up venting as I was so good. I said that I’d never be able to emulate the true pros like himself, also, I couldn’t possibly as these were my only pair of socks and my feet would be cold. We all laughed and then made a quick exit as the loud screeches in the foyer meant that Emu was in the building!


Introducing -
Mr Footloose the Blind Doppelgangersockman
Well, what else would you have done?

Come back soon because I’ll be telling some juicy treats regarding, the maestro himself, Jeremy Beadle amongst others.